Powder Snow
by Nightborn Dreamer
Summary: A year after returning to the village, Sasuke feels he had become just like that falling snow. Cold and fragile.


Powder Snow

Summary: A year after returning to the village, Sasuke feels he had become just like that falling snow. Cold and fragile.

Pairing: NaruSasu

A/N:This is a very old piece that I decided to (re)post. I listened to the song Powder Snow by Ayumi Hamasaki a lot while writing this. It helped inspire and motivate me and because of that, I named the fic after the song. :3

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or the song by Ayumi Hamsaki

~*NS*~

Tilting his head up, Sasuke watched the snow fall, touching his face and dampening his hair. He heard his teammates talking behind him but ignored it. They were strangers now, people he didn't recognize. There were some things that were familiar, but not enough for him to feel comfortable. They made an attempt to get to know him again, not that they really knew him before, but it just made Sasuke feel nervous and irritated.

It had been a year since he had been taken back to Konoha — taken back by Naruto. He had killed them all. Orochimaru, Itachi, Danzo, Madara, and the two elders had 'mysteriously disappeared' with no evidence left behind soon after he got back. Everyone knew Sasuke did it, or his team did, but they didn't do anything about it. Tsunade had shut the case. It caused suspicion, but the village trusted their leader without question, just as they always did.

Kakashi had been right about one thing. Revenge had left a big gaping hole in Sasuke's core. It didn't feel as if he were living anymore, merely existing. He went where he was told, did what he was told, but showed no real emotion. He wouldn't allow himself to feel. He didn't want to be swallowed up by the things he had shoved to the side and ignored for so long.

"Sasuke-kun," Sakura called out, the same amount of fondness in her tone as there always was. Some things remained familiar. Her close bond with Naruto, however, wasn't at all familiar. "We're going to check in at an inn."

"Hn."

Turning back around, he followed them silently. Yamato was leading them, Sakura and Naruto following, chatting merrily. They had grown close during his absence. It was mostly _due_ to his absence. The shared pain of him being gone and with Orochimaru, the shared goal of bringing him back — something that was almost shattered when Sakura gave up on the goal.

Despite the pain he caused his two teammates, Sasuke had no regrets. He did what he had to do — or what his heart wanted to do. He went where he wanted, not where others wanted. After all, who had time to waste doing what everyone else wanted them to do, while ignoring their own desires? Besides, had he not left, Sasuke never would have found out the truth about his brother or gotten the strength it took to defeat Madara.

He still remembered the day after Madara died.

It was snowing then too.

Sasuke had stained the snow with his dripping blood as he stumbled through the forest. His wobbly legs finally refused to take him any farther and he ended up crashing into a tree, using it to keep him upright, though his knees were bent and shaking. He had decided he'd had enough of life. It was time to rest now. But what he really wanted to do was cry and scream and tear at his hair. All the loss he had endured, all the pain he had lived through, he wasn't sure his tattered heart could take another second beating.

So with blood tricking out of his eye, down his cheek, he was about to summon the black flames on himself and burn until there was nothing left of him.

But then _he_ came.

Naruto.

That dobe.

He was screaming at Sasuke, screaming and crying. Had Sasuke not stopped the flames that had just started to burn his clothes, Naruto would have been caught aflame along with him. Naruto had crashed right into him, shouting at him, evening punching him.

Everything after that was pretty blurred to Sasuke. Before he knew it he was back in the village he never thought he'd be back in. A memorial stone had been set up for Itachi and Sasuke spent more time than he'd like to admit to there, in secret.

He never did cry when it was all over, just stared blankly.

But his heart, it was aching.

The light — the _fire_ in his soul had gone out.

He was just like the snow now.

Cold and blank.

No color, no warmth.

No nothing.

And it was something his teammates couldn't understand. No one in the village did. A lot of the people there looked down on him, or wished he hadn't gotten off so easily, while others were overly happy by his return — such as Ino. She had cried and blubbered about how happy she was that he hadn't of had to die.

But he wished he had.

They were all there, waiting for him. His family…

He really wished he could see them again.

When they got to the inn, Sasuke stayed standing behind them, leaning against the wall by a plant that had lights corded around it. There was some sort of festival going on that night. Everyone was excited about it. He had overheard Sakura telling Naruto about it.

"_It's a cool festival! You give presents to the people you care about and wish them a merry night. The whole town is decorated in such pretty lights! We _have_ to attend the festival — _all_ of us. It'll be fun. There's a huge tree in the town square and it's decorated in lights and ornaments and tinsel and has a beautiful star at the top. It's a pine tree too. Who would have thought to decorate such a tree? It's beautiful though."_

Sasuke knew he would be dragged to this festival, but he didn't care. He would go until he felt tired. He wouldn't give anyone anything, though.

"Sasuke-kun," Sakura singed his name, coming to him with something in her hand behind her back. He looked up at her and blinked. She was always cheery around him, but if he were paying attention he would see something behind the surface.

Desperation and sorrow.

She still loved him, still wanted him.

When she got up to him she raised her hand and dangled the object over their heads.

"It's mistletoe," she chirped. "Traditionally, the people who are under it are supposed to kiss."

He didn't respond. If she wanted a kiss she'd have to lean in and get it. He wouldn't be doing anything.

His broken heart was numb now. The pain was too much to deal with. It was nothing more than a black block of ice buried deep in his chest, with frozen vines and thorns wrapped around it, cutting anyone who got close enough to touch.

When she received no response, Sakura chuckled nervously, trying to push aside her disappointment and ache in her own heart. Lowering her hand she said, "Just kidding. I wouldn't want my first kiss to be because of something so silly." It was true. She'd want it to mean something. That, or not have it with him at all. It was worth nothing if there was no meaning behind it.

"Sakura-chan, your room key," Naruto called out, waving the key in the air. He had been talking with Yamato the whole time, debating over who paid. Yamato lost due to him being the captain.

When Sakura went back to him to get the key he noticed there was something off, but when he brought it up it was brushed off. He looked over at Sasuke with a confused expression. But he looked the same as he always did nowadays. It made it hard for him to look at the boy for long. It hurt to see Sasuke look at him with such blank eyes. It wasn't what he wanted. And so he turned away and slapped on a smile, talking to Sakura about the festival some more.

They went up to their rooms then, Naruto and Sasuke having to share one while Yamato and Sakura got their own. Yamato got his own because he was the one paying and Sakura because she was the female of the group and therefore needed some time away from being surrounded by boys.

Naruto was nervous due to this, close to paying for another room. But that would raise questions he didn't want to answer.

He just really didn't want to face the Sasuke that existed now, or that he might be responsible for him being the way he was.

Should he have done something different?

He would have thought he would have been overjoyed at having Sasuke home again. But no. Because the man who had come back wasn't the same as the boy he remembered. He didn't smirk arrogantly or make smartass remarks regarding his superiority to Naruto.

Nothing was the same.

And he had no idea how to fix it.

When they got into the room Sasuke sat on the sill at the window. He stared outside, watching the snow fall quietly and slowly. It wasn't loud or hard like rain.

The boys sat in the room in silence, Naruto wanting to say something and Sasuke having no words left to say.

**~*NS*~**

"Stupid blizzard," Sakura grumbled in the lobby. They had been at the festival for but five minutes before the wind and snow became too much. The blizzard had hit hard and covered the town in frosty flakes. Sakura's toes had gotten frozen while on the way back. They seriously needed better shoes for this type of weather.

Sasuke stood by the door, his feet wet. People were cluttered in the lobby of the inn, trying to get warm, rubbing their hands together while huddling close together.

Sasuke couldn't feel his hands or feet anymore…but he didn't care.

Then, taking him by slight surprise, a small hand tugged on his cloak, catching his attention.

His eyes widened at what he saw.

A little boy with tears in his eyes.

Those eyes…

They were too familiar.

"I can't find my big brother," the little boy sobbed. "Can you help me find him?"

Sasuke found he couldn't move then, couldn't speak. It was like looking at himself, years ago. The little boy who lost his family, his big brother, and was alone, crying and looking for help. His heart ached and throbbed for the little boy. He was too innocent, too naive. His brother had probably abandoned him like his had done. Itachi had left him alone in a village where the elders wanted him dead.

When Sasuke found his voice, all he could do was whisper, "He's gone."

Itachi was gone and wasn't coming back.

It didn't matter how much Sasuke called for him, how far he went searching for him…

He would never find him again.

Itachi's smiling face passed in his mind, soon followed by his face soon after the massacre, when he had shed tears.

Why did that have to happen?

Everything was lost in a single night.

How was that possible?

He had never been prepared for it. It was a reality he hadn't been prepared to face or knew how to deal with. He had been left broken and alone for so long — _too_ long. Left alone after such a traumatic event, it had given that dark corner in his heart time to spread and take him over, to devour him.

And now, his heart told him to leave.

He had been 'home' for a year and nothing had gotten better. Perhaps it would be better for him to just leave and never look back. To go somewhere where no one knew who he was, what he had been through and what he had done.

To start off fresh.

Like when snow on the ground melted, only for fresh blanket of snow to pile over it. To be marked with footprints from different people.

But there were always footprints.

Snow was always being ruined and stepped on, damaged and treated carelessly.

Snow was so beautiful, but so fragile too.

"Kyo," a man from the crowd called out, squeezing his way between people to get to them.

The little boy turned around with a sniff, and when he saw the man he yelped in joy and ran to him with open arms.

"Brother! You found me!"

Sasuke's heart clenched and he had to look away.

The entire room was filled with family members.

Something inside of him was breaking.

The ice covering his heart was breaking, the blood from his wounds oozing out of the cracks.

He clenched his teeth and fists as he tried to regain control and smother the emotions threatening to surface.

"Sasuke-kun?"

He didn't have to look up to know who it was.

Sakura.

Reaching out hesitantly, she touched his arm. When Sasuke looked up he saw Naruto slowly coming up behind her, a look of worry etched on his tan face.

Sasuke tore his arm away from Sakura and turned towards the door.

"Ah, no Sasuke-kun! It's too cold and the weather's really bad!" Sakura grabbed for his arm again but he pushed her away.

"_Don't_ touch me. Just stay away from me and leave me alone. I hate it when you try to take care of me."

Sakura stepped back, her eyes wide with naked hurt as she brought her hand up to her wounded heart.

Naruto rushed up to them but by the time he shoved past the shocked people Sasuke was already out the door. He looked over at Sakura, wanting to comfort her but wanting to chase after Sasuke even more.

When a single tear slipped from her jade eyes, he hesitated.

"He always hates me, doesn't he?"

"Sakura-chan…"

She waved towards the door. "Just go. We both know you want to. You're always chasing Sasuke-kun, nonstop…"

He didn't deny it.

"I'm sorry. I'll bring him back."

Another promise. This time she dismissed it and walked away.

Naruto turned back around and ran outside in the blizzard, grabbing his cloak on the way out. He had to squint from the force of the wind, but he pushed his legs to take him to wherever Sasuke was going.

The forest.

**~*NS*~**

It didn't take long.

Once Sasuke was far enough to where it wouldn't be heard, he fell to his knees in the deep snow and gripped his hair. He let out an agonized scream, letting out everything he had kept in.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH," his voice became weaker at the end, cold tears finally rolling down his red cheeks. He sniffed, bending over so his face was pressed in the snow.

Why?

Why had Itachi left him alive?

Why hadn't he told him the truth?

Why was he left to deal with this pain alone?

This pain…no one should have to bear it.

He could still hear them. His clan's screams, their blood splattering along the wooden floor. It tore at his heart. He hadn't done _anything_ to help them. He had been completely and utterly useless.

And why, _why_ did Itachi have to die?

He clawed at the cold ground, his fingers red and stinging from the cold.

He hated them. But they were gone now. Danzo and the elders were gone now. So was Madara.

Sasuke coughed, choking on such powerful emotions, all trying to flood out of his heart at once.

He moved his arms in, gathering snow in them as he did so, hugging a cold pile to his chest. It would melt though. It wouldn't last forever. Nothing did. And Sasuke couldn't hold on to anything.

Still too weak.

No matter how much power he came by, just when he thought he was strong and superior he was kicked back to the ground and shown just how pathetic he was.

He didn't want to go back again. He didn't want to face Sakura or Naruto or go back to that village stained with unpleasant memories.

Again, he screamed.

**~*NS*~**

Naruto followed the sound of the scream, his heart pounding harshly in his chest.

_Sasuke_…

He was still suffering, Naruto knew this. But he couldn't do anything about it. What could he do? How could he cheer him up? When Jiraiya had died, it had been bad. Horrible. But he had never lost everyone and everything in just one night. He still had hopes and dreams and goals, still had people who were dear to him.

Sasuke lost all of that.

He had hit rock bottom and was forced to see a very ugly part of himself and the world at such a young age. He was betrayed and lied to, led astray and jerked around.

Naruto, as hard as he tried, couldn't comprehend that.

It hurt that he couldn't understand Sasuke. How could he help him, save him, laugh and enjoy time with him when he couldn't?

He didn't know. But he wanted to try anyway. Because whenever he smiled and laughed and Sasuke wasn't around, it had felt as if something was missing. It was as if a piece of himself had been taken from him.

He didn't want to lose that piece again.

It was selfish. But he wanted to keep Sasuke. He wanted to laugh with him, to enjoy life with him.

To love him.

He had figured out his emotions for Sasuke not too long before he had gotten him back. When everyone had given up on him and it seemed like Naruto was the only one who still wanted him, even though his own heart was breaking. He wanted to hold Sasuke close and never let go. But…

He couldn't.

What would Sasuke even say to those feelings?

A part of Naruto told him that it was what Sasuke needed.

Naruto wasn't completely oblivious. He knew what state Sasuke's heart was in. And if Sasuke's heart was indeed in the state that he thought, then Naruto would chop away at those thorny vines. He would melt his frozen heart and lick the wounds clean until the pain went away, until the organ was pulsing with life and swelling with love and happiness again. The scars would forever be there, but that didn't mean he had to waste away and forget how to live. He had to learn how to live _with_ the scars and move on. No one would replace Itachi as his brother; anyone who tried was foolish, just as anyone else who tried to replace his clan. Naruto knew this now. He could not be their replacement for Sasuke. Trying would only hurt them both further.

So much damage had been done to their hearts and souls. Was recovery even a possibility? Naruto liked to think so.

He would make himself a permanent nest in Sasuke's heart.

After all, Sasuke had already made his nest in Naruto's, right in the core.

He found he wanted Sasuke's heart to sing for him. To have that love, while giving his own to Sasuke, who so desperately needed it. His pride wouldn't let him say it, but he wanted to be loved. It was his guilty wish. He would push it away, reject it, but he _wanted_ it.

And was ashamed of it.

But Naruto would give all of his love to him freely.

Sasuke needn't say or do anything to gain it, because Naruto fell in love with his soul.

His damaged, tainted, warped soul.

And it was beautiful.

Sasuke's soul was _beautiful_.

It was who he was. Those little things about him, those dark things about him, those irritating things and those cool and amazing things…they were all a part of who he was and Naruto wouldn't change a thing. All he wanted was for Sasuke to be happy. And he hoped Sasuke could be happy with him.

When Sasuke finally came into view, Naruto's heart got lodged in his throat.

Sasuke was in a position one as proud and amazing as him should never be in.

On his knees with his face buried in the snow, his cries and screams — which grew softer and hoarser — muffled.

With his own legs shaking, Naruto walked over to him. His own feet crunching softly and pushing aside the snow as he went.

"Sasuke…"

The boy jerked, sniffing and asking in a cold voice, "Wha—what do you want?"

"I want you to come back with me," he answered on reflex. He was so used to saying this to Sasuke by now. But really, what did he want? He wanted Sasuke. He didn't care how, just as long as he had him. He wanted to save him from that agony he still felt.

He wanted many things, but how to obtain them, he had no idea.

"I'm not going back." Naruto was also used to hearing that.

"Why did you yell at Sakura-chan? She loves you so much. How can you treat her like that?" Naruto asked, ignoring what Sasuke said.

"Because I'm sick of her sticking her nose in my business." He turned his head to glare at Naruto. "And you too, for that matter." His head fell forward again. "What do you want from me?"

Swallowing, Naruto said in a soft, hurt voice, "I want you to come back home already."

"I did come back. I stayed for a year and I'm sick of it."

"We brought your body back, but not _you_."

"You ask for too much. I can't come back. It'll never be the same."

Naruto took a step closer, and then dropped down to his knees next to Sasuke.

"Tell me how…" was all he managed to get out. He was at a loss. He always just figured all Sasuke needed was to be dragged back home, that the rest would fix itself. But it didn't turn out like that and he was afraid it might never get fixed.

"There's nothing you can do." Unless he could raise the dead or go back in time and save his family. Naruto had no idea what he had lost. The things he saw. How would he feel, watching everyone he loved being murdered, not by some random stranger, but by the person he respected and looked up to? To be told you were weak and unlovable by the person you loved most. And then after chasing down said person and killing him, finding out he was innocent and loved you more than anything.

It _hurt_.

He was _hurt_.

He was falling and the wound was being gouged open more every day and he didn't know how to stop it.

"Just leave me alone."

Naruto shook his head. "I can't do that."

Tired, red eyes looked at him. They were puffy and sore. Sasuke looked so drained, so done with life. Naruto was afraid that if he left he would never see him again.

"I really… I love you Sasuke." He bowed his head, looking at the snow. The wind and snow blowing against him was making his skin sting and burn, his knees and toes practically numb from the cold. But the fear of losing Sasuke outweighed any physical pain and was all he could focus on. The pain of the cold was distant and pushed to the side. "My bond with you…it's the first I've ever had. You represent any bond I have, because I've been waiting for this one — waiting for you — for a _long_ time. I can't let you go when you're so close. You mean more to me than anyone."

Sasuke was silent before saying, "That's why you're a dumbass. I can't give you what you want." He was ruined for people.

"I just want you here with me!" he shouted, desperate, then took a calming breath and said in a softer tone, "I want you to be the one standing at my side. Always."

What Naruto was promising was a pretty thing. But nothing was ever so simple. It was too bad the blond was too naïve to know that. Sasuke was having too hard a time living with himself, how could Naruto want to?

Would he like to live happily ever after like in a fairy tale?

Of course.

But_ could_ he?

He didn't think so.

Suddenly, a hand grabbed his shoulder and he was being pulled against a hard, quivering body, just as cold as his own. He had to stick his tongue between his teeth to keep them from chattering. It seemed Naruto was doing the same. Naruto's body didn't bring warmth with it. His clothes were cold and his cheek was too. It didn't help that Sasuke's cheek was dampened by his tears, and now Naruto was pressing their reddened cheeks together, holding him close.

No, it didn't make him feel warm but it felt nice.

Comforting.

It made his heart heat up a little, melting the ice enough to allow it room to beat a little faster.

Naruto had said he loved him. As for Sasuke, he realized he loved the blond the second he couldn't give the finishing blow at the Valley of the End. Though it took him a long time to figure what type of love it was. Truthfully, he loved the blond in both ways and could go both ways. But he did want Naruto's love on him; however, at the same time he didn't and just wanted to be left alone. His feelings were in a haywire. He was all messed up. And Naruto must be messed up too to want him.

"I'm _not_ letting you go," Naruto hissed. "I'm not losing you for good. I'm _not_."

He gripped Sasuke's hair and pulled his face around, smashing their lips together harshly. Sasuke didn't react at all when Naruto started moving his lips against his own. They were cold and chapped and the kiss was sloppy and inexperienced. Naruto was acting on his emotions. He was biting and sucking at Sasuke's lips roughly, pushing and pulling at his mouth.

When he pulled back it wasn't by much, their swollen lips still lightly touching. Naruto looked at Sasuke as if he were a ghost, or some sort of mythical being from a dream. His eyes held so many things. Love, adoration, admiration, inspiration, longing…

He was captivated by those emotional eyes.

And he wondered if his eyes reflected the same thing, but before the thought could process Naruto's lips were on his again and this time, he kissed back.

Naruto was grabbing at him, pulling him closer still, touching his body in a possessing way. Their lips were bitten and swollen, wet from each other's saliva, their tongues coming into play. When Naruto shoved his in Sasuke's mouth and coaxed his own wet muscle to come out and play. As soon as it did, Naruto sucked it into his own mouth and had fun with it. One of his hands settled into Sasuke's ebony locks, gripping them and pushing his mouth closer, though they were as close as they could be. They were breathing heavily out of their noses, feeling slightly asphyxiated, but neither paid it much mind.

When they were done devouring each other's mouths, Sasuke whispered against his lips, "I want to rest. Rest with me."

Naruto watched him, his brow crinkled in confusion before his fear came rushing back to him and he realized what Sasuke was saying.

"No, no, Sasuke. It's not time for us to rest yet. We can rest together later, when we're done here," Naruto said.

Choking on a sob, Sasuke leaned back in the boy's arms and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, gripping his hair with cold fingers.

"No more. I'm done," he whispered, then let his eyes slip shut and let the exhaustion wash over him and take his consciousness away.

His body suddenly becoming limp caused Naruto to panic. He picked Sasuke up and cradled him against to his chest and ran back to the inn as fast as he could.

Sasuke would _not_ leave him alone again.

Not again.

**~*NS*~**

Sasuke woke up on a bed, under the covers. His feet stung as warmth returned to them as well as his fingers, nose and cheeks. He was pressed against something hard and warm. It moved against him and had a familiar musky scent. His mind managed to identify the object as another body, no doubt Naruto's. He could feel Naruto's feet on his own, their legs touching and Sasuke being held against his chest, with his head under the boy's chin. Naruto's arms were wrapped tightly around him, one hand in his hair and the other around his back.

He also realized they were almost naked, stripped down to their boxers.

Sasuke could feel every dip and bump of the boy's body. But he was distracted by memories of what had happened in the forest.

Naruto had said he loved him and had kissed him, which Sasuke returned so the blond must have figured out the feelings were mutual. Being held like this, the warmth coming back to his body, the blond having saved his life once again…the part of his mind that enjoyed fantasizing was having a ball with this. He imagined how it would be to take what Naruto was offering. It would be so blissful and peaceful.

But it was a fantasy, wasn't it?

Not reality.

It couldn't be reality when so many of his loved ones wouldn't be there, when he was living in a village that had hurt him to such a degree.

It wasn't possible, was it?

"Sasuke," Naruto called out, his voice a mere whisper, knowing Sasuke was awake. "Can we at least _try_?"

Try?

_What do you _want_ from me Naruto, _his mind whimpered, not liking the confused state it was being put in.

"Try and be with me," he continued, "Let me make you happy. I can. I know I can. You've never let me. Let me now. I'll make it better for you."

More pretty promises.

Why were they so tempting?

"You never came back. I never got you back. Come back now. If you do, I'll make you so happy. You won't have time to be miserable anymore. I won't leave you alone. I want you at my side, so I'll be by _your_ side too."

It would be easy to say yes, wouldn't it?

To accept the dream, to sleep forever with the blond.

What was he so afraid of?

Forgetting his clan.

Forgetting himself.

They were terrifying thoughts.

Naruto wasn't asking him to choose though, was he? He used to. He used to want him to choose between him and Itachi and his clan, wanting him to give up revenge to come home. But not anymore. Now he was just offering him something more.

"If," he cleared his throat, having screamed it raw, "If I say yes, then what?" he asked, his hoarse voice also a low whisper.

"Then we'll go home and live together. You can move in with me or I'll move in with you. I won't let anything or anyone separate us and you'll never be alone again. We can finally be happy and laugh together. I'll do whatever I have to, to achieve that dream and make it a reality for us."

He used his hand in Sasuke's head to tilt it up, pulling back enough to look at him. Sasuke's face was flushed from being out in the freezing cold to being in a suddenly warm room. His skin was on sizzling and his heart…his heart felt alive, buzzing with sparks of electricity he hadn't felt in forever.

Then they were kissing again.

It wasn't at all like in the forest. It was softer, the beginning of Naruto's promise to make his life better. Though Sasuke knew he couldn't depend on the blond all of the time. There were things he had to fix himself, but he knew he had Naruto there to help him shoulder his burdens.

Their legs twisted together and when they pulled back, Sasuke whispered, "I'll try, so you better make good on those promises."

No more mistakes.

"Promise of a lifetime," Naruto grinned, softly rubbing their noses together, making Sasuke's face scrunch in fake distaste and look away. Not one to be derailed, Naruto just rubbed against his cheek instead.

Maybe everything would be okay.


End file.
